To envy a crackwhore

You know it's bad when you are watching the crazy lady on COPS barricade herself under her neighbors trailer and you think, "hmm ... she's lucky." See, she's so crazy, she doesn't know that she is crazy. She doesn't know that everyone just watched her on COPS and thinks she's crazy. She just thought that in her little crazy world, her neighbor's trailer was "SAFE!" from whatever invisible ooglies are out there chasing her. Oh blessed ignorance... of crack... nevermind.

Sex talk, Britney Spears and hair tips in a bathroom with Christina Aguilera

It all started out with me flat-ironing my hair in a bathroom at a club for some reason. Then the light burned out and I had to go to another bathroom that did have a light. On the way back I run into Christina Aguilera with her new hot body, but with the ugly black hair and instead of it being ugly, it looked hot.

So we were chatting about hair tips, the whole time my hair looking like it had recently been on fire, when ol' bald Britney walks by. Christina and I start laughing hysterically and run to the bathroom where she continues to flatiron my hair and talk about how great her sex life is with Justin Timberlake and how Britney is so fat and ugly. I kept telling her that she wasn't dating Justin but she kept insisting that she was.

I woke up feeling like we were best friends. Dreams are weird like that.

Ode to Lola

My poor little idiot kitty. She was so sweet and endearing in the way only a complete precious moron could be. I will always remember her staring at everyone with that adorable blank look in her big green eyes, her tiny head cocked to the side as if really trying to think, but not really thinking at all. Her head growing smaller by the day as her ever increasing waistline continued to get bigger and bigger. 

We lovingly dubbed her "Pie Face" and "Lola Stretch Pants" (because if she did wear pants, they would have to be stretchy for said expanding waistline). All Lola ever wanted from anyone was just to be fed. To eat and eat some more was her favorite past time. She would eat and eat no matter how many times you fed her. (Granted, she didn't have the brainpower to even know if she was full or not). "Little" Lola will remain in our hearts as one of the sweetest and retarded pets we ever had. And that evil bloodthirsty coyote that ate her will pay. Oh yes, that bastard will pay.

I was thinking a nice coyote fur hat would complement an already insane wardrobe I possess. But the coyotes are all mangy looking. Don’t want a mangy, matted sickly coyote hat. And all I can picture is one of those silly Daniel Boone raccoon hats with the tail hanging down. How silly would that look with a coyote tail hanging down. And maybe the legs could be attached still too, all floppy and swinging around as I turn my head from side to side.

I am sitting here trying to convince myself that Lola ran away and has a new family getting happier, and fatter, by the day. This will be cat #3 that has either A) run away to a new home or B) died horribly.

Sniff.