I need a vacay from my vacay...

I'm slowly learning that vacation is extremely overrated. Especially family vacations. It was like the freakin' Griswald Family Christmas over there. I just got back from super cold Big Bear (19 degrees on the warmest day) and now I'm sitting in my ghetto pad with no heater and I'm still cold. Actually I was warmer up at the cabin. Yeah, so, there may have been a little carbon monoxide poisoning helping me to sleep at night ... but it was warm nonetheless.

So I took my sick little body and dragged it up the mountain with a damn snowboard attached to my foot and tried my hardest, but alas...the mountain kicked my ass. Actually the lift kicked my ass. If it hadn't of happened to me I would have laughed my ass off seeing this happen to someone else. I got off the lift and somehow, someway, I get pushed (by some bastard kid behind me on ski's, no doubt) and I land on my head and lost a bit of consciousness for a while. Now, they stop this lift for stupid little kids on skis when they get dragged under it. But for me...lifeless and all that good stuff...NOOOoooooo. They pick me up and drag me to the side and drop me on the ground...snowboard still attached to my right foot. Boo.

So, I managed to get a concussion and whiplash all in one go. By the end of the day, on my last run, I make it about halfway down and my stupid legs give up on me. I slide down as much as I can on my back and my brother had to walk up the mountain and pick me up all limp, concussed and exhausted and carry my board and me the rest of the way down the mountain. It was fun though, in that, "I think I'm going to die any minute" sort of way.

I went to Puerto Vallarta once for a week vacation with my boyfriend, my best friend and my gay friend. (E-rock, Tammi and Jeremy, respectively.) We were all ready for a relaxing week and some fun in the sun. Except for E-rock. He was ready to try to buy Vicodin and be annoying. First thing I do once we take off if puke on the plane. But I totally did it stealth-like and no one even knew. (And yes, I admit I just folded up the vomit bag and shoved into the magazine holder on the back of the seat in front of me.)

Once we land and get our luggage we go through Mexican Customs which is just a red light or a green light. Of course, Tammi gets the red light. But once they saw the giant amount of luggage she was dragging behind her they just let her go through without a search.

After we found our hotel and got settled into our rooms we throw on the bikinis and head out for some drinking and some tanning. Well, except E-rock who had other ideas. His vicodin search began in earnest and we really didn’t see much of him except when he was trying to get one of us to get him a prescription or being annoying.

Tammi and I spent the first night crying in her and Jeremy’s room because E-rock is a dick and her pseudo-boyfriend sort of broke up with her over the phone. So we are yelling and crying and talking about how much we hate everyone and didn’t even realize that Jeremy was in the room trying to sleep the whole time.

The next day Tammi meets this Canadian guy who instantly falls in love with her and in an all time Tammi Proposal Record wanted to marry her by the end of the trip. All the while we are drinking and swimming and E-rock is looking for pills.

We decide to go snorkeling one day and we pay $40 do go on an all-you-can-drink boat ride out to a reef. We somehow got on the Carnaval boat that was not for English-speaking tourists. They rolled out the red carpet for us to enter the boat (a piece of cardboard) and gave us watered down margaritas and made us play games in Spanish. When the Carna-Crap cruise finally reached the reef they hand out snorkels to half of us and they jump in and swim around for 10 minutes.

The stepladder to get back onto the boat was broken so they would lift you out of the water by your arms. Each person they pulled back onto the boat had to return their snorkels which then they handed straight to the next group of us. Ew. They wanted me to just put this snorkel in my mouth right after that guy had it in his dirty mouth? So we jump in the water and it turns out to be not fun at all because the ‘guide’ is rushing us along, trying to keep track of 20 people in the midst of the other 100 or so from the other boats and each time a fish touched one of our legs Tammi and I would scream.

So finally we get ushered back to the Carna-Crap boat and when it is my turn to be pulled onto the boat, I’m halfway up, one guy holding each arm, when I drop my snorkel and goggles. Apparently these snorkels and goggles are way more important than human life because one guy drops me and jumps into the water to rescue them. So as I’m being dropped I don’t just fall into the water, I scrape down the side of the boat which is covered with, like, algae and barnacles and stuff. Once they decide that the goggles are safe and back on board they drag my ass up again and my legs and arms are shredded and I’m bleeding to death. But at least they got those goggles.

A couple of days go by and all my cuts and gashes are infected and full of puss and I’m thinking I got flesh-eating disease. I mean, that green shit I slid down was probably not the cleanest of environments on which to shred my limbs. So far on my Port of Viagra vacation I’m crying, can’t find my boyfriend because he’s on a drug search and have most likely contracted flesh-eating disease.

I should be moving...

Another thing to add to the list of things that suck donkey balls: moving. I HATE moving. Packing. Painting. Vacuuming. Having no heater. Seriously, I have no heater. And as if that isn't bad enough I am moving into Dugly's old room. Yeah. You are supposed to move UP in life...not down...waaaaaayyyy down.

At least it's cheap (and worth every penny) and the walls are no longer baby-poo-yellowish-gold-caca. Word of advice for all you who may or may not be planning on moving into a crackhead's old room: They go to Home Depot and buy the "messed up" paint for like $5 a can. This crack head purchased baby-caca-yellow. Not only that, it was exterior paint. Yeah. I think that makes it water resistant or something. So I go and buy some cheap white interior paint, which is water-based. It took 4 coats and some of the spots still didn't cover. I think its crack residue or something.

I also had to hire a cleaning lady to clean the bathroom it was that nasty. Let's just say it took her 3 hours to clean it and it's still gross. The scary part is that Dugly didn't think it was dirty at all. Oh, he also decided to paint the toilet this caca yellow as well.

Thanks Dugly for not paying your bills and allowing me to move into this most humble of abodes. I think I want to kill myself now.

Tammi’s Official Theory On Wisdom Teeth

I asked Tammi the other day why exactly we get wisdom teeth and what would we have done in the "olden" days when you couldn't get them surgically removed when they start pushing all your current healthy and happy teeth together. (All I talk about these days is wisdom teeth...move on if this bores you yet...just like the damn health insurance.)

So after this little rhetorical question Tammi comes back with:
"Well, back in the olden days your teeth fell out because you didn't take care of them. So the new ones come in, push all the other teeth together, and you chew with those."

Oh. That makes sense. But wouldn't evolution "survival of the fittest" have stopped that by now? Don’t most people take care of their teeth now? I'm on a mission to ban wisdom teeth. Marriage and wisdom teeth. Ban it all.

Detraction....

Working from home does not rock, it sucks donkey balls. And so do wisdom teeth. Just for clarification. You think, oh, great! I'll work my own hours...blah blah blah, put money away for London. Then all the shit you've been doing doesn't work out because your printer will no longer print Yellow. Who knew that one little thing like the color Yellow could destroy my happy little delusional world?

Then, as if that doesn't suck Dugly balls enough, I get FOOD POISONING. Yes, I ate Taco Bell. I don't watch the news, people! I didn't know about the e-coli! The closest thing I get to the news is The Soup on E! So I eat a soft taco, mind you, I have gaping holes in my gums so I have to eat old people food. I so craved something normal. Well, you have to pay to be normal and not only was I in excruciating pain from the surgery (I have TMJ and my jaw hurts like hell) but now I get to throw up all the yummy taco-y goodness - and all my pain pills. Damn damn dammit all to hell. Then I get to squirt out the throw up from the holes in my gums with a plastic syringe.

All this while my boyfriend is at his ex-girlfriends birthday party. Yeeaaahhhh.

I looked it up. I don't have e-coli poisoning. So that's good. (Apparently you have to have explosive, bloody diarrhea...ew.)

My life may suck, my printer may not print yellow, I may have painful gaping holes in my mouth, and my boyfriend is doing God knows what with his ex at her party, but at least I don't have explosive, bloody diarrhea...yet.

Why are they called "wisdom" teeth?

This morning I got my wisdom teeth out. The stupid thing is that we actually have to PAY the doctor to take out my teeth. It just doesn't seem right. So right now, the numbness is gone, pain has broken through, and I have gaping holes in the side of my gums where you can see my jawbone. Oh, and the big chipmunk cheeks. I already have chunky girl cheeks as it is, so you can imagine that I'm one hot chunky swollen gaping hole having mama today!

But I still want to know why they are called "wisdom" teeth. Is it because you get them when you are older? Mine were completely sideways, by the way. When I woke up from the surgery and I felt like my tongue was wearing a wool sweater - which is not good. I couldn’t feel myself swallowing because everything was numb and I started hyperventilating. Then I started bleeding to death from the gaping holes showing my jawbone. They almost had to hook me up to the IV again to give me more blood stopping medicine or whatever.

So I got home and my cheeks and jaw and throat were all still blissfully numb. I couldn't feel my lips either. Try drinking anything with a numb jaw. How was I supposed to take my pain pills if every time I tried to drink I drooled milk out all over my shirt and the couch?

So now I'm home watching tv, on pain meds and valium, and not in too much pain - yet. They say tomorrow - that's another story. Bastards. And all this happens one day after my insurance is terminated. Fuck heads. They couldn't give me one extra fucking day after all that work ... oh well.

My life is great since being "let go", "laid off", "fired", whatever they want to call it so that I can't collect unemployment and continue my insurance. Yeah. They didn't even give me Cobra, which I thought every employer was required to do. Anyway, here I go on the crazy girl boring insurance rant.

I'm loopy, have fat chipmunk cheeks and gaping holes in my gums. But I can't complain. I'm not in any pain ... knock on wood!

On a side note, they gave me my gross teeth to keep! I'm using it as my MySpace profile pick. They said that this one chick wanted her teeth and made earrings out of them ... and people think I'm weird. Ew.