Can I please get a nurse that can find a vein??

I had to go get an MRI today because ever since I had meningitis, I've had headaches. Apparently, these "meninges" in my brain were at one time inflamed, and that's not good. But I’ve been told that meningitis is like chicken pox in that you never get it again. So what's with the damn headaches? Maybe they are just leftover inflamed meninges.

So when I was in the hospital, they poked me so many times and I had so many IV's that now my poor little veins are apparently all dried up and crusty. Every single time they draw blood and/or stick me with any type of needle, they have to do it several times. As this "nurse” is digging around in my arm, with a needle, trying to puncture a working vein, I am trying to focus my mind on anything but the mangling of my arm innards. I was actually thinking about my new breast implants and hoping that when they turned the damn machine on that nothing would happen to them. It didn't work. All I could focus on was that bitch and the needle tearing up the inside of my arm and feeling faint.

At least this has an up side. I could never shoot up heroin, for instance. I'd pass out the second I saw the dirty needle, then when I woke up I would pass out trying to find or even discussing trying to find a vein. And then when I woke up again, and I tied that rubber thingy around my arm, all color would drain from my face and I would faint again and my dealer would just be all frustrated and leave. My money wouldn't be worth all the fainting and turning green and save me from getting AIDS or something. Like drug dealers would really care, actually. I give them too much credit in this story.

Back to the implants. You know how when you fly you have to put anything combustible in a bag so when it explodes it won't get all over your clothes? Well, as I was boarding the plane to go to Port of Viagra I began to worry about my implants expanding (maybe to a full C cup on the bright side) to like big ol' F cups and enlarging my already shiny stretched-to-the-max skin and then exploding!! In my body!

What do you say when that happens? What if only one boob pops? Would I have to go through my entire vacation with one really large boob and one saggy empty sack of a boob? Would they turn the plane around and get me urgent medical care? Would they announce over the loud speaker why they were turning the plane around for urgent medical care? “Excuse me passengers. We will be turning the aircraft around and land at the nearest airport so the girl in seat 15D can seek medical attention because her boob popped. Sorry for the inconvenience, thank you for flying with Delta and have a pleasant day.”

Well, whatever happens, at least I got a warranty on the tits, because with my luck, you never know, man.